Saturday, April 9, 2016

How to expect when you're not expecting...

It has been a long time since I’ve written on this blog.  Life has just been a special kind of crazy this last year.  I’m only a year away from finishing my degree.  I have no idea when I’m going to be able to go to school and finish that year though.  

I think I explained this on my very first blog post, but ‘Nikkie’ is just a nickname of mine.  A nickname I’m very fond of, but a nickname all the same.  I think that everyone that reads this blog is aware of this, and is also aware that my first name is Alicia.  My name has 3 meanings depending on what culture you look at, the meanings attributed to it are: Sweet, Nobility (or Noble humor), Honesty/Truth.  It was that last meaning that my parents focused on my whole life, so I’ve learned to be ridiculously honest.  Sometimes overly blunt unfortunately, but that is who I am.  

I make mention of this because I’m about to be totally blunt and honest.  

I have a little announcement, I’m pregnant.

Yes, I’m having my third child.  A bit sooner than I had planned.
The two electric ones did say 'PREGNANT' on them, but
batteries must've died...
I probably could've stopped with the first 2...

I have so many conflicting emotions right now.  I wasn’t planning on being pregnant yet.  I have 1 year left of school, and as it is the last year of my program it is a very difficult year.  I cannot imagine doing my senior project while caring for an infant.  The two kids I have are old enough that they are fairly self sufficient.  Since I started this program when my son was almost 1 I can say in all honesty, I know exactly how difficult it is to balance a baby and school.  I’ve done it twice now.  The thought of going through that kind of stress and guilt again is not appealing.  At the same time, I cannot be out of school for long, for a variety of reasons.  One being that the program could change again, could might be to soft of a term.  It will likely change again.  I could just apply for my BS degree, I have the credits for that, but I was going after the BFA and I’ve worked way too hard to not just push through my last year of school.  My tentative plan for school now is to go back next Spring (2017) and finish up in 3 semesters.  Why 3 when I only have a year left?  I cannot afford the time, I’ll have 3 kids.  One first grader, one pre K and one infant…. 6 credits is all I will be able to handle at a time.  We’ll see how life actually pans out.  

So school is a big part of my conflicting emotions.  I had such firm plans that I am not emotionally prepared for another kidlet.  I do not resent this kid.  I want to put that out there.  I could see how one could get that vibe, I don’t I’m happy to add another person to our little family.  Be that as it may I’m still frustrated.  Pregnancy is awful to me.  I have no energy, I get sick at the drop of a hat.  I feel nauseated 24/7… I’ve literally spent the last 2 months in bed getting up only when I had to.  It’s hard.  I’m officially in my second trimester and I am starting to feel a little better, I still have all day sickness, but I can cope with it better.  I have a little more energy, the past 2 days I’ve been able to sit up and get stuff done instead of just laying around feeling like crap.  I have 6 more months left until I have the baby, and right now that feels like an eternity.

I’ve not announced this pregnancy before now because I honestly didn’t want to deal with people congratulating me.  Or asking me how I’m feeling.  There is a part of me that just doesn’t want to say anything ever and just throw a family picture up next February with a ‘hey look, there are 5 of us now’.  I’m announcing mostly because I know people do care.  

But please don’t ask me how I’m doing.  I’ll tell you right now, and this will be true for the rest of my pregnancy.  I’m so tired, I’m sick, I’m overly emotional to a degree that makes my teenage self look sane.  I’m overwhelmed, I’m frustrated.  I’m happy to have a baby, but there is nothing else about pregnancy that is good or great.  I was 100 pounds overweight when I got pregnant, I was actually working on an exercise and diet plan to drop at least 50 of those this year.  My plan being that if I lost 50lbs a year for the next 2 years then I could get pregnant and reduce the inevitable health issues I have every time I’m pregnant.  I have ‘pregnancy brain’ to a frightening degree.  I forget so much right now,  I mix up words… I’m having to write everything down and hope that I look at my lists.  

I’m more than a little nervous about raising another baby.  Sure, the first 2 lived and seem to be pretty rational human beings (as rational as a 6 and 3 year old can be).   Babies are so hard.  They need so much.  They also develop so fast and it’s exciting to see them learn and accomplish things that are so ridiculously difficult, feeding themselves, walking, talking…. All of these things that all of us adults just take for granted.  Babies are amazing.  They also need 24 hour help.  That is part of what made school so hard with the other 2.  My dear daughter still wakes up at night screaming.  I know she was/is a harder baby than most.  I’m not sure that I get easy babies though, so I’m kind of bracing myself for that.  

So that is where I’m at in life right now.  

I’m still working on getting my art career off the ground.  I’m finally able to sit up and draw again so I hope that means I can maybe possibly get stuff up on a website that I could potentially sell.  

I’ve got so much to do…
For my home I need to get caught up and stay caught up on chores…
I need to figure out where the baby is going for the first six months.
I need to figure out my kids bedroom, again…
I need to update my portfolio and re-apply for the BFA program this fall…
Then I need to start on my senior project.

That’s me, that’s life and that is why I’ve seemed to be dead for the past 3 months… I kinda have been.


Oh PS I had a sonogram of ‘Peanut’ (the nickname my son has given our little baby) I was going to post it along with this, I cannot find it for the life of me.  Yay pregnancy brain…

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